Darkness wasn't the problem. It wrapped around me like a thick blanket, cocooning me in my thoughts. There was nothing for distraction. No sound, no sight, no texture to connect me with my surroundings. Perfect oblivion.
Oblivion is only a deterant until connection is lost and emptiness takes over. Sleep can not disguise nor numbness hide the darkness. It becomes alive with pain, fear, doubt and loneliness.
Being able to tell the difference between day and night is a thoughtless random act that occurs with the coming or leaving of the light.
When my babies were small, their cries of hunger and discomfort were closely followed by a silent plea from my mind that the sun would stay below the horizon for a few precious hours so I could sleep once the baby was back in bed. exhausted, discouraged, no end in sight, I begged the dawn to leave me alone for a little while longer.
Night and day no longer come to me in the form of light and dark. The night is quiet, timeless, a cool blanket of oblivion which surrounds me and separates me from life.
Day begins with small sounds: sprinklers, small birds, a child who awakens before dawn to use the bathroom, the first sounds of traffic beyond my door.
I can judge the time of night or morning it is by what noises the earth makes.
This causes problems of its own. Without the light to tell the time, I must be awake to hear the noises. Every sound is an alarm clock in my mind.
Its common for blind people to lose track of day and night without light to show the difference. It can cause insomnia, exhaustion, depression and other mental issues. When I was a girl, my father told me the stars and the moon were God's way of letting us know he never leaves us alone in the dark. Clearly, its not the darkness that leaves us alone. It is the absence of light. Sometimes welcome when sleep is short and too shallow. Sometimes the miracle one prays for to get through a terrible night. At times the stripping away of precious days and hours before understanding comes. Sometimes a false hiding place from reality. However, all of life can be broken down to darkness and light. Just as all happiness depends on the level of grief and pain from which we've escaped.
A person, like me, who lives only in the dark, doesn't appreciate a beautiful sunrise. It comes and goes. A person who had never seen a sunrise, will never know the dawning of light, and therefore can not tell the day from the night?
The presence of light goes beyond your eyes., It lives in your heart, your mind, your skin, your ears and your life.
If you can't tell the day from the night, or if you wish to swaddle yourself in one without the other, close your eyes. Reach for light with something besides your eyes, or your mind, or what ever part of you believes in darkness. Darkness can not exist in the presence of light. Even if you close your eyes and banish it. The biggest, darkest night flees in the face of a single flame. God is light. His creations, his words, his sounds, his colors and his space and time. He owns the night, just as he controls the day. Wrapped in His arms the night enfolds a peaceful slumber and the day dawns a ray of hope.